I didn’t know I was controlled by bitterness. I wouldn’t have said anything was controlling me. I was a strong woman with boundaries, a sense of right and wrong, and I took charge of my life. I didn’t realize anything was wrong until a friend was willing to peacefully point out “I hear bitterness when you talk about that.” He said, “I can hear in your voice that you are holding on to anger.” And he recommended a book.
I wouldn’t have seen it myself but when I considered his prompting, it was true. I was holding on to anger toward my ex-boyfriend and bitterness was oozing out of me when I spoke about him. It was keeping my mind in this cyclical pattern of experiencing pain, disbelief, and holding it against him. That cycle of mental and emotional pain was because I was holding on to the offenses. And so, it lived on in my thoughts.
The book I started reading is about forgiveness. I knew about forgiveness generally. I had applied it to the bigger events in life, so I thought I understood it already. But one of the most important things I learned from this book was not only to forgive the big stuff but also the subtle every-day offenses. Those smaller offenses really stay with me and those are the things that build my frustration. And because its not one big thing, it’s harder to figure out why I feel so bitter. But now, if I remember, I go through my day and forgive people for the things I took offense to. The book FF talks about having an attitude of forgiveness and even forgiving ahead of time. When I first started reading the book I had just gone through a breakup with the love of my life. I was devastated that it was over, but I wanted to process what went wrong and grow from the pain and our experience. Part of that process was working through the bitterness so I wrote down a long list of every little thing I could think of that I was bitter toward my ex about. The biggest to the smallest. It was very long. And I started going down the list and forgave him for every single thing. One by one. I took a break about halfway through and already I felt so much peace. Even when I was only halfway done with forgiving one person I felt so different. Better. Like a weight was lifted.
And at some point in my forgiveness journey I realized how many other people I needed to forgive. I was still holding on to bitterness toward my 2nd grade teacher who didn’t like me. So, I wrote that down and forgave her. And that was really important because I held on to that for 20 years. I didn’t think about it every day, but it would come up sometimes. And once I knew I had the option to be free of that, I wanted to do it.
The book Forgiving Forward also talks about forgiving ahead of time. I now practice forgiving ahead of time with family members because I know they are going to offend me at some point and it protects our relationship and our ability to interact if I’ve already forgiven them before the offense happens. Think about it, have you ever been offended by something a family member said? (obviously) And did that create problems? …(yup!). Forgiving ahead of time is a really helpful tool to avoid fall out and maintain relationships. If I forgive my family member ahead of time, knowing it’s likely they will say something hurtful, I’m already prepared to respond from a place of peace and maturity because I decided ahead of time not to hold it against them. It doesn’t mean I pretend that everything is fine, or that I choose not to address the problem. Rather I am able to express that I was hurt without being emotionally charged and without escalating the situation.
If you realize you are bitter and want to go through forgiveness yourself, don’t just make a list and say “forgive” “forgive, forgive” There are experts who are able to clearly explain the meat of what forgiveness is about. Its not just a motion or a script that you go through, it is a heart change towards that person. And that part of it is really key to being free. The book Forgiving Forward was mind-blowing. I’ve heard people talk about forgiveness but never like this. This completely changed my understanding of myself and how I relate to and interact with people. And similarly, I have heard the story of Jesus many times but I didn’t understand the power and meaning of his sacrifice as deeply before reading this book. Purchase it now to begin your forgiveness journey!
https://www.forgivingforward.com/store/p/forgiving-forward-book
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